The smell of insulin

It's diabetes awareness month and as a sufferer, I feel it's my duty to help raise awareness. After all, if I can't be my own advocate I can hardly hope for it from others!

This list of annoyances ring true for me, even if it only scratches the surface of the dark well of emotion that sometimes surrounds the disease. Of this list, the smell of insulin is especially real for me. It's a smell I associate with sickness and disease. A repulsive reminder of how I'm different. I worry other people will smell it on me and feel the same way. It's paranoia, I hope, but there it is. I wonder what I can do to change my attitude about the association? At least I know I'm not alone.

Anyway, now you're aware of one of the little hardships. Thanks to Lesley for sending this to me.

It's worse than I've let on...

Today I ran across the website of a guy who has chronicled his struggle with Type 1. I found it striking in it's honest portrayal of how fucking awful living with diabetes can actually be and how little that is actually addressed.

I am part of the problem. I downplay my disease with my friends and family to try and be normal and to protect them from the seething anger, sorrow, and desperation I so often feel and am so often ashamed of. Well no more. Let me be frank: I hate having diabetes. I hate it more than anything I have ever hated before. I hate it with a passion that even typing it out makes my eyes water and my muscles tight. It makes me want to scream and cry and be violent and destructive. This is not my nature and I don't like feeling this way.

So when I said before that my diabetes wasn't "that big of a deal", I was lying. I was lying to you and to myself. I want it to be true so badly, but it's not. It's a very big deal. It is a constant struggle. Every day, every hour, every minute of my life it is affecting me. It's tugging on my emotions, clouding my brain, and making me weak. I can only hope to control it the best I can and maybe let others know what is going on so I don't have to face it alone.

I don't write this to garner pity. I don't want to be patronized. I fear people will constantly be telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing (it's happened to other diabetics). I am very thankful that folks have not done that to me so far. They've mostly allowed me to pretend to be normal. But I don't want to pretend anymore. I want people to know what I'm going through and to better understand it myself. If it comes up constantly it's because it is affecting me constantly and I'm sorry if that hurts or inconveniences you or makes you uncomfortable. I don't know how to deal with it either, so let's learn together.

In the coming posts I will do my best to tell my story thus far. I will try to explain the highs and the lows and all that goes with it. I will do my best to keep perspective and to keep honest, but I do want to impart the emotions that go along with what's happening, so forgive me for any melodrama. Please, don't hesitate to ask me questions or call me out on something that you think is bullshit. Better to be criticized than being alone.

I feel better already.